Sunshine

this post is going to be a little different than what i normally do, partly because wow, i just got my own senior portraits taken, and partly because there are a lot of things that have been in my mind with graduation only two months away — things that are hard for me to admit, but that i realized a lot of other seniors can probably relate to.

but before i delve too deep into my thoughts, let’s talk about fashion!

Outfit #1 // La La Land

This dress gave me major La La Land vibes when I found it! I already knew I was going to wear a white dress with my gold CNS stole, so I figured why not stick to the same color scheme and do a yellow dress with my white THON stole (not pictured in this photo). I didn't want to go too crazy, so I stuck with a pair of black heels for my photos that could match both dresses. I bought this dress from Francesca's and got a gold stars necklace from there as well when I was shopping.

Outfit #2 // Classic White

Back when I was graduating from high school, someone told me that it's tradition to wear a white dress for graduation. I have no idea if this is true, but I ended up falling in love with this dress after trying it on and we bought it. Four years later and I decided now was the perfect occasion to wear it again. It went well with the gold necklace and black heels I wore with the last outfit, and the only accessory I added on was a sparkly crystal bracelet (not pictured). I like keeping my photos clean and simple, so I wanted my outfit to help complement the look.

Bonus tips //

• bring friends to help you carry your stuff, zip you up, & make you laugh!

• bring walking shoes !!! (I personally brought Chaco's)

consider bringing your dress in a protective bag. that way, your clothes can stay hung up and wrinkle free -- plus they'll be clean! there were lots of gnats flying around when I took my photos and the plastic covering helped protect my clothes from the bugs.

it's also a good idea to put some sunscreen on your face since you'll be out in the sun for a while, and bring some bug repellant! the mosquitos are starting to come out. if you're worried about looking shiny, there are some bug repelling bracelets you can buy. they're not cute, but you can take them off for the photos. :)

Shoutout to Aaron Liao for helping me take my grad photos & shooting these BTS pics!

...and onto a more serious note.

i’ve been taking grad photos for three years now, and one of the things i always ask during our sessions is, “are you excited to graduate?” this always gets a mixed bag of responses. and honestly, i’m probably feeling more anxious than excited.

whether you’re feeling anxious or excited about the future, it can make it harder to enjoy the present and everything that comes with it. the proximity to friends who all probably live within a 1-mile radius of you, the perks of student discounts that make you feel a little less guilty about all the online shopping you’re doing, the fact that you really did get the opportunity to go to college in austin and get this far in your education — those are all things that i don’t want to take for granted.

but the uncertainty of my post-grad plans as of now can’t help but evoke a sense of fear in me. it probably comes from the fact that i spent the last twenty-one years of my life following the path of attaining more education and the road ahead is dark and the pavement has ended. in a sense, when the road has never looked too clear for you, you’ve probably had more life experience than me. you had to start laying down your own pavement early on. i’m starting to learn how to do that now.

there are so many possibilities, so many things you can become. you don’t have to be locked into a decision that you made when you were seventeen years old and decided you were going to major in x, y, or z. when i was seventeen, i applied to a different major at every school. i was that indecisive. i’m not even graduating with the same major i started out with! but i don’t regret studying chemistry or creative writing. on one hand, it might seem like i never really focused my efforts into any one discipline wholeheartedly, but i had to do a little bit of exploring to realize that being passionate about something isn’t going to be inherent in my DNA. maybe there are things i have a natural propensity towards (whether by nature or nurture or some combination of the two), but passion for something itself has to be developed over time and effort and experience and hard work. i got to talk to a lot of older people who are working in fields they definitely never thought about entering when they were seventeen and choosing their college majors or first careers out of high school, and those that are passionate about the field they’re in now admit that there are lots of things that frustrate them and lots of challenges they’ve had to overcome. being passionate doesn’t mean that it’s always easy, or that you’re always happy. it just means that you’ve invested everything you can into something to make it meaningful to you.

so i’m learning what that means to me right now.

i’m also learning about the immense pressure i’ve been feeling to just “have it all together” by the time i graduate. two months seems like such little time before graduation to figure things out, but two months could actually be a lot of time. sometimes, it only takes a moment for great change to happen. the trick about change though is that you can’t always wait for it to find you, most of the time you have to seek it out, do things that stack the odds in your favor for an adventure to begin.

but that’s not the point. the point is, in all the time i’ve felt the pressure continue to weigh me down (and let’s be honest, it’s been around for a while, but it decided to blatantly make itself known these past few months), i’ve been challenged to grow a lot personally. to not always put my ideas of self-worth into different labels i use to define myself (i.e, a photographer, a chemistry major, etc). to see what i’m really made of — it’s easy to call yourself resilient when you’re on top of everything, but is it as easy as when you feel like you’re sinking and you don’t know how to pull yourself up? and most importantly, to put my faith in something outside of myself and find peace in that. these last two weeks, prayer has brought me a lot of peace. not because anything externally particularly changed, but because my heart changed. i’ve learned a lot about God’s power through this time, because he alone has the ability to grant me a sense of “it’s going to be okay” even when i still have no clue what direction i’m going and all the plans i’ve made in my mind continue to fall through. it’s not always easy for me to turn to him though when i’m struggling. it’s a lot easier for me to be angry and sad, to turn to stress-snacking or other people for comfort. which is fine, for the most part. i know the people God has put in my life are there to support me when i need it, but ultimate healing isn’t found there. and i’m still wrestling with all of this because a huge part of following God is following his plans, his will. even when it’s not what you want. God is a savior, but he’s also God.

this is the biggest thing i’m learning through this time, and it takes a lot of prayer and a lot of going into scripture, but reading through psalms has been really helpful for me. it’s a book full of poems of praise, prayer, confession, and even lamentations (even though there’s a whole book for that too, psalms definitely contains sad passages too). so i won’t go too much into theology and stuff, but i’ll leave this on a verse that i hope will be as encouraging to you as it has been for me.

show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

— PSALM 25:4-5